Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
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hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I’m sorry…what?
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Me, flirting😏
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.