Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
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Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
All set.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?