[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
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“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit