[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
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Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.