Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
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The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
three things we don’t talk about
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.