PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
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The perfect label doesn’t exi-
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
How do you milk an almond?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese