PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
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You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Blew out my flip flop…
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even