@BrandonBrown522: Paranoid? I don't even know what that word means. I don't have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.
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@BritXNic: You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.
@MatCro: [phone sex] GF: Tell me you want me ME: I want you badly GF: How badly? ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
@crylenol: *pops out of casket at funeral* ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say