Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
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How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.