[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
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HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield