@KeetPotato: [2 years after going missing at zoo] wife: [points at TV] "omg thats him" me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] "why is noone helping me"

@nigelgodwin: My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them

@shadygrenade: "Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself." *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

@stonedcoldlazy: Since Canada isn't making the penny anymore-did the price of a thought just go up to a nickel?

@raniao2011: When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like I love you for what you have inside. (Me to my fridge)