Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
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I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me