I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
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[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage