Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
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[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Your honor these allegations are
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.