@iwearaonesie: [parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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@david8hughes: [in church] "And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins." [vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
@heyevergreen: [showing colleague a pic on phone] "NO! Don't scroll left!" My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
@freshestginger: HERE'S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU'LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS. - Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
@stephenjmolloy: Me: "I think my computer has become self-aware." Ian: "What makes you say that?" Me: "Well, for a start, it's named itself Ian."