[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
If only
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”