[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me