[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
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My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.