the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
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I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]