@copymama: Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
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@chrisdowning: When something at the hardware store says it's universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
@FuckabillyRex: Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, "There's no one here," so I think I handled that very well.
@_Kim_Jongun: Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads. That's a lie. On an unrelated note, I need that guy's address.
@marknorm: When you're a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you're an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.