@copymama: Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
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@GrowlyGrego: [at bar] "Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year." Whoa that's impressive! "I know, right! Can't believe I got fired by that fig farm."
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Why were you speeding? Me: SHE'S IN LABOR! Cop: That's a beach ball in a wig. Me: Cop: Me: I don't think I'm the father. Cop: Get out.
@MarfSalvador: Date: You don't look anything like your profile picture Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
@weinerdog4life: Don't ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.