@copymama: Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
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@DaddyJew: [ cookout ] Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing! Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
@fro_vo: [wedding] Priest: repeat after me Groom: after me P: ... [to bride] is he serious Bride: no his name is gary
@SteveSuckington: Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won't have sex with you either.
@MatCro: IAN: I broke my leg once ME: I've never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood] THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE