Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
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Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I believe the plural is “milves.”
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo