Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
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And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.