@Dave_in_SoPo: Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@GrumpyBahr: Me: Grandma died, can't work today. Boss: Thought she died last month? Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
@Sean_Burgundy_: Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor? - me as a marriage counselor
@daemonic3: In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
@boring_as_heck: Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. "I don't know why we didn't think of this before," he said.