Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
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Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
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me
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meonstilts
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meandbatmanonstilts
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.