Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
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It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
john wicks are toilet candles
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
it’s the silliest best thing
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
You wish you had this many chins.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”