@audri_em: Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
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@Parentpains: It's actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she's not around to have it.
@TheAlexP: [At bar] *all sweaty after doing the worm* Me: *out of breath* see anything you like? Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
@iTomFoolery: If it was the choice between having the last pizza on earth or the last sex on earth, which toppings would you have on your pizza.