@TheTweetOfGod: I hate what you've done with the place.

@botandy: Today's fortune cookie reads: 'you are the only human in this restaurant don't look up'

@Underchilde: [Minister]: Do you take this woman to be your lawful— [Groom]: I’m just here for the open bar.

@AndrewNadeau0: ME: Onions make me cry. HER: It's from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide. ME: I think it's probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

@OctopusCavemann: I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.