@avaricious1: I saw a spider in my bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got in an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.

@djdarrellripley: Me: I'm going across the street to get a beer. Priest: You can't bring a beer in here. This is a church. Me: I can if it's in my stomach.

@DionneMcNutt: A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. "Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you're supposed to see a doctor."

@SCbchbum: My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn't just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

@PakuluPapito1: *gets pulled over* Officer: how high are u Me: no officer, it's hi, how are u