@TheTweetOfGod: I hate what you've done with the place.
@botandy: Today's fortune cookie reads: 'you are the only human in this restaurant don't look up'
@Underchilde: [Minister]: Do you take this woman to be your lawful—
[Groom]: I’m just here for the open bar.
@AndrewNadeau0: ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It's from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it's probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
@OctopusCavemann: I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
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