@audri_em: Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
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@Reverend_Scott: DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo] DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo? DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
@WildeThingy: [electric chair] "Any requests for your final minutes?" "Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained." *acquitted on a technicality
@BackrowSeats: Burger King's slogan "Have It Your Way" was shortened from "Are You Sure You Wanna Eat This? Ok. Have It Your Way".