Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
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I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
🙄😏😂🤣
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.