horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
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If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Things will get butter, keep churning
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Okay me first
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.