Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
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Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I drew y’all a little something.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”