@Cheeseboy22: Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That'll show em'.
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@0point5twins: Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine? Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
@CornOnTheGoblin: me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
@kashmir_lover1: Autocorrect changed Friend to Fiend but sleeping with a Fiend with Benefits is actually a little more exhilarating
@EndhooS: [Wakes up in hospital after car crash] I'm afraid we had to amputate both of your feet. "OMG why?" You were too tall to fit in the ambulance