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What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.