Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
You Might Also Like
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
nobody’s gonna understand
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.