Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
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If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
The Compass
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.