Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
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When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
My inexpensive home security system…
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.