Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
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Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Smooooooth
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA