coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
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Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Meow
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication