parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
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I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”