Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
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*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
i made a craigslist ad !
Haha good job!!
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.