@DannyZuker: Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named "Steven!"
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@Cheeseboy22: 7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
@murrman5: [wife yelling in waterpark] "BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR" [top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT'll BE FASTER
@KentWGraham: Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
@DougStanhope: I'm watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.