Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
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🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
i will not be silenced
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.