I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
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Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants