Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
You Might Also Like
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I told my vodka about you.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic