Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
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Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.