Accurate
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If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Godspeed, John Glenn
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’