Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
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For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached