Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
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I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.