Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
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That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?