Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
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I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
What if the weather talks about us?
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.