Funny women are smart. Be careful.
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Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket