[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
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Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I put the mess in domestic.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …