“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
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“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Happy weekend !
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me trying to “trust the process”
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –