@JasonLastname: Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
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@JohnLyonTweets: A friend is in jail and I can't help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
@Contwixt: My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age. So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl. Tik Tok.
@Reverend_Scott: [kisses daughter goodnight] Sleep tight. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" Um, the Stork. [stork knocks on bedroom window] He's lying.
@The_JRM: 5yo's pretending she's a tourist at a hotel. All good, but I draw the line when my services are criticized because the "toilet's too cold."