@JasonLastname: Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
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@dulcetry: [me, to my brother] I can't believe we've never been to Coachella [my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
@ComedicBust: I was excited when my GF asked me to dress up as the cable guy, until I spent the next 3 hours on the roof, trying to fix the satellite dish
@rickkondell: The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
@pixelatedboat: Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don't fall out of a helicopter