Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
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[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
My kitchen overserved me.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
But wait…
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
The big book of baby names but for safe words