9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
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[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind