PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
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Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
The Struggle
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?