@AmericanGent69: My 4 year old niece won't eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
@omgthatspunny: A lawyer-turned-cook is a sue chef.
@JaneBadall: Expecting an idiot to admit they're wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.
@EricaLynnz: Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
"And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can't be friends he lives outside"
@Chocovania: [Border control]
Officer: “You’re not American.”
Me: “Deep.”
*Officer squints*
M: “Fried.”
*squints harder*
M: “Guns.”
"Welcome back, Sir."
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