@AmericanGent69: My 4 year old niece won't eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

@omgthatspunny: A lawyer-turned-cook is a sue chef.

@JaneBadall: Expecting an idiot to admit they're wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.

@EricaLynnz: Brb taking my potted plant for a walk "And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can't be friends he lives outside"

@Chocovania: [Border control] Officer: “You’re not American.” Me: “Deep.” *Officer squints* M: “Fried.” *squints harder* M: “Guns.” "Welcome back, Sir."