@WilliamAder: Boss: What's your five-year goal? Me: Paid administrative leave.

@Oshungurl: It's confusing for me too, but I don't need your money so you're going to have to be a nice guy if this is going to work out.

@JennyJohnsonHi5: I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

@panmidwest: [waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi] ME-what do I do with this? W-eat it lol M-all of it? W-yes M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

@Poutymcgee: Doe. A deer. A female deer. Ray. My creepy Uncle's naaaame.