[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
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Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Was it something I said?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.