@deardilettante: Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
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@Poutymcgee: I just Googled "Living with Glaucoma" before realising it was just a fingerprint smudge on my glasses.
@thevirtualidiot: On second thought this "Thug's Life" tattoo probably shouldn't have been done in Comic Sans.
@dafloydsta: WIFE: I'm tired of you living in a fantasy world ME: *imagining she's Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
@jjhartinger: If a 4-year-old says, "I'm scared there's a monster living under my bed" Don't reply, "Oh, that's where he's been hiding." I know that now.